Condolences

I really am evil. My mom's friend's son died this morning. He's just a bit older than me. When I heard the news, my instant reaction was envy. Of course I didn't show it nor did I tell anyone that I am so envious that he died at a young age. My mom and my sister would probably slap me if I ever said that. Unfortunately for them, that's what I really felt. Right now, I don't see any point in living anymore. I really wish I was dead. I don't want my life anymore. If I can just donate my life to those who want to live then I would have done it months ago. I'm not even sure if these thoughts are still caused by my illness or do I really hate living that much? I'm sick of dealing with my illness. I'm sick of pretending to be okay every freaking day of my life. Someone kill me please.